This column is going to be more personal than what I usually write, and I do not promise a happy ending. Consider yourself warned. Don’t worry, I won’t do it often. It is also a little longer than usual. I have edited as best I could and I just can’t say what I need to say in fewer words. And personal column or not, your comments in response are always welcome.
Religion, doctrine, theology, these are all big picture concepts. What we believe, what we have faith in – that is where the rubber meets the road. Faith is individual and personal, and not an area where any of us have the right to dictate to each other. Further, if you are deferring your own personal discernment to others, whether they are friends, spouses, or clergy (especially clergy), then you are shirking responsibility for your own spirituality. (I don’t mean atheists or agnostics, for they – by definition – are taking a position for themselves.)
My faith is exercised by believing in an eventual good outcome in times of pain and noticing the times of joy and contentment with gratitude. Just Monday morning I was sitting in my office writing, with my dog Buddy crashed out on the futon looking so content I took a picture. I remember feeling grateful to have the peace and safe space to read, and write, and be with the unquestioning devotion of Buddy. Joseph Campbell said, “Follow your bliss,” and I can say that this was a blissful morning. I don’t have a full-time job and I never seem to have money, but in that moment, life was perfect for me.
I have to ask, is joyful contentment an invitation for Evil? It seems so. On Tuesday evening Buddy ran away. Buddy has epilepsy and I give him a lot medication every day. He has run twice before, but I sincerely believed we had corrected his lapses in judgment and willingness to cooperate with me. That being said, there is nothing he loves more than running and running with reckless abandon. I couldn’t bring myself to keep him constantly tethered to me on a leash. Our yard is big and sheltered and I had every confidence that I could teach him it was best to stay home. I was so very wrong. It was as if Evil whispered in his ear and even as he was looking back at me, he just kept going further away from me until he vanished into suburban hedges. The last time I saw him was 6:20 p.m. on Tuesday evening.
And that is why I found myself last evening sitting in the backyard of my veterinarian’s office (close to where he was last spotted) from 9:30 p.m. to midnight, writing by flashlight in between meditating and dozing off. I did this the night before (except for the writing part) and have spent many other hours starting at 5:30 a.m. driving, walking, and sitting search for my missing dog. Again and again I ask how this is possible when Buddy and I are so connected. As I write this, it is Buddy’s fifth day in 90-plus degree heat with no food, water, or medication. Maybe I’ve been watching too many “Charmed” re-runs, but isn’t there some protection for the innocent? Well, if Evil is an entity with a dark plan for pain, this was the most successful shot at my faith that could have been fired.
In the interests of disclosure, I practice Christianity, though many Christians would not want to claim me. I’m not really sure about the deity of Jesus and I certainly don’t believe Christianity is the only ultimate truth. I admit to cursing like a stevedore and loving tequila. Though I am now with my favorite spouse, I have too many divorces behind me. (I think you get the picture.)
I do not believe in God the Chess Master, smirking while we all scramble to figure out his mysterious “will” for our lives. I do believe in karmic justice and every time I get screwed I hope that I live long enough to see some of it. I also do not believe in a Santa Claus God to whom we submit requests for relief from pain or just bonuses for being such great folks – like a winning lottery ticket. I do believe in miracles, but most often the miracle is that another human was motivated to do something kind for no personal gain. That counts, by golly.
If Buddy does not come home safely, or worst of all, if I never actually know what happened to him, then I have to say, Evil won. That is quite enough to make me question the power of love in the universe.
Remember Chief Seattle told us we are all part of the web of life? The reverence of that connection is what my relationship with Buddy means to me. I had an everyday connection to all that is good in the world. I had a clear understanding of unconditional love. I knew simple joy. So if it is the goal of Evil to disrupt and destroy: mission accomplished. If I never see Buddy again, I expect to go on with my life. His abrupt and premature departure does not diminish what we had. It does shake my faith to the core. I don’t really believe in a personal God, but I also don’t believe in Nothing. And somewhere in the middle, I was hoping for help in a time of pain for things that are out of my control. Sort of sums up the human condition, doesn’t it? Well, we’ll see what happens.
P.S. Don’t tell me if you find a typo. I haven’t slept much since Tuesday.
Epilogue: As of 7/19/2010 he is not home and no one has seen him since the 15th.
